I don't want to be

Like my mother.
And at times i find myself doing things she used to do, I wont go into detail because they are long and to hard to describe.
For the minor things she did i find myself doing.
Like Being tired all the time and not wanting to go and do things with the kids, I remember my mom laying in bed all day watching tv and i was so bored. I just wanted her to get up and do something with me. "Maybe tommarow I'm really tired" I can still remember sitting on the recliner, and being able to see her just laying in bed. Finnaly when i got my licence i was allowed to then go do the grocery shopping that made me excited to get out of the house. She would do the stupidest things to me like let me spend the night at my friends house then call at 6 in the morning crying saying she wants me home and comes and picks me up. Come on let me PLAY some more to this day my friend still remembers those days as well. So i just want to get more involved with the kids. I used to tell myself "Jamie you will play with your kids when you grow up, play house and Barbies with them" It was like a fantasy that at a young age wanted to fullfill. Im breaking my promises to myself, and to my kids.

I wonder if Nadya Suleman has "Only child syndrom" I always wanted a big family because I felt it would be best for them not to be alone, so when one got in trouble the other could stick up for them. Or have someone to play with.
I took Caitlyn with me to the store she was just thrilled to go, and help me put things in produce bags as well as putting items in the cart. At times I saw myself getting frustrated with her like "Just let me get this done" Then I'd snap out of it and be like she is having fun and hand her yogurts to put in the cart. My mom was very protective of me always afraid someone would steal me. Of course I thought NO One would be able to do that to ME. Now that I'm a mom I can see where she came from. I do think she was a little bit too over protective and that is ONE reason why I would rebel. There were times we would fight I GUESS i smart mouthed her and she would come chasing me around the coffee table and then when she got ahold of me she would beat the shit out of me either with her hands of a belt. I remember I couldent go swiming one time because I had huge BELT welts. I'm not sure what I did wrong. To this day she is a very violent person, if she is mad at someone she will say "im gonna beat the shit out of them god damn that cunt" I then asked her "Why do you think it's okay to go about things by hitting people?" She said "Thats the way I was raised" One thing i do know about myself is that I am a good mom I don't BEAT my kids, rarley even spank it does no good just makes them upset more. I suppose the way I am like my mom right now is not wanting to do things I just never want to be like her I love her but there was only so much I could take.