Raw and Truthfull blog.

I know this blog may sound oh, I don't know "Pitty party on me" But I don't care I just want to share my feelings of jealousy? I'm not even sure if that is the word to describe what I'm about to blog about.
I look around at MY life and don't see much accomplishment. Yes I have gone to school, and all that jazz. I just see people with beautiful houses (clean houses), not to mention they are mine and Brandon's age.
I love and ADORE my children to NO END OF THE WORLD. But just for a split second I wonder what it would be like if we were the type of couple that didn't have children. What would our life consist of? Would we enjoy eachother more? It would be just me and Brandon. Now IN NO WAY am I saying I don't want my children, I'm just turning back the clock on things and wonder what things would be like is all. Brandon promised me this week that we would go on a date, he said he was going to call his parents for this weekend, but of course we all got sick, and they already had plans with my little neice. (wish i could of seen her) :( He doesn't talk much thats pretty much how it has always been. I guess I just have to get used to it, but it's hard. I just want to be happy and I'm not jumping for joy in my relationship. What happend to those lovely butterflies that once consumed my being? I guess they flew away. I miss my cream soda Kisses, trips to yakima, dates, holding hands, saying I love you every 5 minutes. Now it's just something you say it seems. wow this blog is really getting to me my eyes are watering up with tears gotta blink gotta blink, don't wanna cry!!! Idon't want to live in this house for the rest of our kids lives, I don't want to be low income on foodstamps and wondering if my checking account will go overdrawn because of a stupid pepsi. I haven't gotten out of bed for a week now. Today is the first day that I actually feel ok to get up, and go do something with the kids then go workout, again I'm not seeing results and that is frustrating too. I really don't know what to do with myself anymore I feel like I'm going crazy inside because of the things I can't have and I don't mean all material possesions either. It's time for some change I just want a NIGHT with my husband alone, have some drinks enjoy our time together. We never got to truly enjoy ourselves. I mean Baby after baby how can you? It's all about the kids as it should be but we need time to. I need time. Im going to go crazy!