Now Divorced

So Im Divorced the x husband has the kids but we are friends. Im currently in a relationship with my Boyfriend jesse he is currently away on a job. right now im really depressed and im not sure what to do with my life. I feel like everything is in limbo i guess that i just have to go with the flow of things. Thats life right? So im laid off at rite aid because im emotionaly unstable. so much has gone on since my last post. I have have fear of even writing about what is really going on in my life. I feel like a horrid mother. wow.. life changes fast

worst wife.

Well thats how im feeling right now.

We get our tax return I buy a couch which we needed, paid off my school tuition for nail school what a waste. Thats what Mr.hubsand says. I can see where he is comming from I don't work in that field.
I want a camera.
I get a camera but along comes guilt because of it's expense.
Mr.Husband wants a computer after 2 days of searching and me wanting a touch screen computer and him wanting a basic more logical computer.
We are in Best Buy and I see the pc I want but they were out, so hub says can we get this one? it was a Gateway...mind you it was 9 at night and they were closing. I said it's up to you..So i grabbed it got to the check stand and i don't buy it. He is more than upset going out to the car with frustration tears in his eyes. We both are crying. We go to Walmart and he gets me the pc I want and i feel sickly guilty and am crying over it. He hasn't gotten anything he wanted I feel bad more than bad. I feel utterly selfish and sickend and want to return everything I got. Im selfish. Babe im sorry.

Hard blog

I was in the midst of writing this blog then, I stopped, scared... to even post it.

January 22nd...

I call my local ped DR. because my daughter Briana is very "out" of it, so the nurse gave me an option... "bring her in here or take her to the ER" I knew that she had to be taken to the ER, she needed fluids. The Nurse came in.. I'll leave her name out of it lets call her JANE DOE. So JANE doe comes in and looks over my daughter and goes "oh heres a burise, oh another bruise" FRIMLY STARING AT ME and firmly yelling. I said "What are you accusing me of that i beat my daughter?" Jane Doe then goes to say "well certanily SOMETHING is going on" NO LADY NOTHING IS GOING ON she has 3 siblings and twins FIGHT and brawl and bite. It's a kid thing. which I DO put a stop too but sometimes you just can't avoid every bite. Okay so the Dr. comes in and says sorry about what the nurse said to me.. and how it's protocal YES i know that. And I'm glad they do, do that. But please have respect while "accusing"

Briana would just stare.
we did a head CT scan. That came out fine.
later the Dr came in and asked "has she gotten into any medications" I said no we keep them all on top of the fridge. So they do a urine sample. JANE DOE wants to do a cath... WHY NOT let her use the rest room? So we went potty in the restroom... they take the sample.
Marilyn is sitting with me... The Dr. comes in and says "i have confidental information do you want her to stay?" OF course I DO.
HE THEN REPLYS.
YOUR daughter has THC (weed) in her system
IM LIKE WHAT??
that CAN'T BE.
So.... we then are whisked away to seattle because of possible seziures. (she was fine)
I asked first THING to RE TEST MY DAUGHTER NOW. They did.
Negative.
but before that.... the police and cps were at MY HOUSE... before confirmation of the other tests... The Hospital in my town then re tests Briana's urine. It's comes out NEGATIVE.
(when that nurse said there was no such thing as false positives) MY ASS!!!
So now we have CPS in our lives because of the hospitals MISTAKE. big MISTAKE.
The ER director couldn't applogize enough.

does anyone really read this

Well i just went threw 2 weeks of pure hell.

November 28th i go in to the ER because I can't pee and i look 9 months pregnant (i was even asked) they felt my abdomen and everything for contractions.

no no.. I'm tied.

So i get cathed and get some pain medication because my abdomen was really hurting. The Dr. advised me to get a cat scan (i did not want to because ive had so many) so i went along with it.
He comes back with the news. Well you have Hepitittis Im like WHAT? He told me that it just ment my liver was enlarged along with my pancerous. So i was admitted.

They had me so drugged I can't remember half of what happend all i knew was that I was on my way to Yakima to have a procedure done called an ERCP. Thats where they take a camera and look in your belly they first tried to sedate me.. and I wouldn't go under so I had to wait the next day to be put under the Micheal Jackson juice they call Propofol. I was intubated and the procedure did not work they were trying to put a stint in my common bile duct, but it was shaped funny.

So mind you i wake up to bad news. Still in pain.
I had a room mate who was oh no more than 18 years old just found out she was 18 weeks pregnant she didn't know and it was her 2nd baby! She had to have her gal bladder removed.

anyways I met a CNA named Jamie who quickly latched on to me as a friend. Before I was shipped to Seattle Virgina Mason we exchanged phone numbers.

Here I am 10 days into a hospital stay... They rush me by ambulance I was given Morphine on the way there and I was dreaming about the paramedic drinking water.. and i woke up and asked him why he had such a big bladder. LOL

So I get to go under anastesia again. Im not as scared I knew what to expect but boy was I wrong. They put the medication in my IV and it made my whole body BURN and it hurt for about 10 seconds and I was out. I had a hard time comming out of it too but good news they got the stint in and hopefully that will take care of my problems!

Morning

Im looking to my left i see a daddie on the floor with a Briana snuggled next to him, then a whiney Benjamin on the couch saying he can't check his blood sugar because his legs hurt, and next to me is Allison taking a drink of my morning java.

I remember being 3 sitting at the kitchen table with my small blue coffee cup it was a privledge to drink coffee I felt like a grown up OH so how badly I wanted to be all grown up. Now I want to be where my kids are the new life they are about to enjoy thier innocence ... the games they play.. where your a princess and you hide from the wicked witch.

Oh how i miss my imagination.

Inspired

This morning I woke up from a hard night of trying to fall asleep. I had Caitlyn turn the t.v. on for me to the "Today show". There was a story of a woman with 4 children and a husband who had survived a plane crash she was in acoma for 3 months, her husband was out for 6 weeks. Hearing her story was amazing and I had to find her blog http://nieniedialogues.blogspot.com.

Love and Romance

Watching the bachelerotte has made me ILL. Why? because now watching these two love birds makes me roll my eyes because those "feelings" go away. It becomes an everyday routine that we get used to, and even take our spouse for granted. Im not going to lie I miss those lovely butterflies that consumed my being. I never wanted to be away from Brandon EVER! I wanted to be by his side 24/7/. I had a flash back of how i felt at this time alone and filled up jelousy and upset.

14 weeks with Caitlyn.
Brandon and Kurt were having a work party and well of course I wanted to go.
The girls at work were going to be there and I so badly wanted to go I mean it was at Kurts for chirst sakes! Brandon forbidded me to go. So at the complex across from Kurt's place was a recreation area, had a pool table, couches and a big screen T.V. So that is where i was bound it was hot july I didn't want to go back to Brandons apartment. I remember watching Brandy's documentry on her having a baby (the singer) The whole time i sat at cried. Eventually i got a panic attack and was having pains and went to Labor and Delevery. Brandon Dropped me off and went back to the party, then about an hour later he came back to see how I was doing. I was fine of course but i was hurt and sad and felt so left out. In the beginning we had a lot of hardships I mean it was stressfull how was he going to support a family at the age of 21? Sounded hard at the time. Later on things between us got better, although I always LOVED him no matter how I was treated. I wasn't beat or anything but i was emotionally hurt and left out of alot of things. So I clung to him wanting him so badly to just love me.
After we got our own place things seemed to be more peaceful we eased into parenting and learned more about each other eventually for him falling in love with me. Then those were the times where he was a GOD to me I loved him though he was the most amazing lover, friend, sexiest man there could possibly be. I felt so luck, I am lucky. But Why do the feelings of first love dwindle into nothingness except it really doesn't dwindle it's still there just hidden beneath children and bills haha.