B-I-N-G-O

So it's a wonderful day to go to Yakima, It's nice and cloudy and rain drops are flowing. I love the rain. anyways me and Danette went to go pick up Cklowee's cake, go to costco, toys r us (don't you wish i could make the R backwards?) We hit the toy store first, and I got Cklowee a cute gift. It's called my first purse, and it's all hard of course; it came with a big plastic purse, with lipstick a phone key chain with a mirror.. Hard to describe but really cute. So after that we headed to Costco, I had to pick up paper plates, paper towels, paper cups, water. GOD i am so not "green" It was PACKED in there it was giving me a slight panic attack. So now me and Danette have an hour to spare before we meet the lady to get Cklowee's cake. So where should we eat she asks? she makes me pick, Im like uhmmm Taco time just something fast. On our way there we are stopped at a light you know the one by "super D bingo"? If you've been to Yakima you've seen it and wondered whats in there, of course you have never been in there your whole life. I look at Danette and joke lets go play some Bingo. So she is like okay and we are just dying of laughter here, pulling up to the door seeing what time they open. The parking lot was bare. We get out because the sign says open from 9:30-1 then 6:30-9. We walk in. it's a very big bingo hall with a ton of tables closed into eatchother, the smell was of stale ciggerette smell and old person.

One fragile looking lady was in the middle of the room, warmingly smiled at us as we looked confused, and headed to the snack stand. With a quick "Can I help you?" Danette asks "Can we play Bingo" the lady Replies "Next game doesn't start untill 6" We look at eatchother and laugh and go okay and walk out the door as fast as we can feeling like stupid idiots. Then Danette notices a cop car, and the fact that she parked in a handi capped spot. We both cracked up laughing, look around noticing that half of the lot was handicapped!

That was just one of the funny things that happend to us today.
and Yes we ate taco time.

just another dream im jotting down.

Well i didn't get to bed until 3 am. In that time I had a dream about moving into a wonderful house, I kept having to record this mans voice about what he needed to do to the house. One this is they needed to spay the insides to get rid of any pests or bugs, I kept telling them I didn't see any. The house was amazing it was big, the walls were light blue, along with the rug was a light blue. there was an upstairs but the downstairs was intriguing to me. there were 6 flat screen tv's! I had noticed that Brandon arranged the furniture at strange angles and I didn't care for it. He had a big entertainment center blocking the downstairs bathroom. Oh that bathroom was beautiful and big the tube was very long and deep I was so excited because I could give the kids a bath and they would all have thier space. There was beautiful house plants in the bathroom and it made me want to go buy more for the house. I was shopping in a town that had many stores but still had the feeling of a small town, I noticed Mary working and another familar face, I was greeted very well by everyone. I had to ask where the plants were, and a lady directed me through out the doors to outside. I noticed my mom was with me and she was picking out these strange looking but beautiful plants and filling the cart up with them. We went back to the house, and it seemed to be full of junk but it was okay, because it was stuff that we had to unpack. I could feel myself begin to wake. I stopped myself from waking up to go back to this gorgeous place. The kitchen was amazing with an island in the middle surronded by stainless steel kitchen ware. I remember feeling happy that Brandon had bought this house for us.
In my Dream at times I felt a bit confuesed, mostly happy
sometimes frustrated with the man who was asking me if we really purchased the house.
Here is some things i foundHOUSE : You drive a car, but typically you LIVE in a house/apartment. Dreams about a HOUSE symbolize a larger aspect of your Self, and the aspects of Self which make the whole. Each room is said to symbolize a different aspect of your Self; for example:

AN ATTIC symbolizes your Higher Self, and your spiritual development & progress. Look at other symbols in the attic of your dream, and try to evaluate what they mean. Also pay attention to the feeling you experience in your dream...is it pensive, enlightening or what, exactly? All these things are clues for you.

A BATHROOM would symbolize the need for cleansing/purging/elimination of something in your life that isn't quite working, or that has served it's purpose and now it's time to move on.

A KITCHEN would symbolize the need or act of supplying nourishment or food for the body/mind/soul...whatever is currently "cooking" or developing in your life. If the food is plentiful, you have what you need. If the cupboard is bare, time to go shopping for new nourishment, and you need to figure out what is needed for that "shopping list."

A DINING ROOM is similar to the kitchen, but has more to do with immediate needs for supplying & utilizing nourishment, and less with the preparation or taking stock of those needs.

THE MAIN ROOM or LIVING ROOM symbolizes your daily interactions with others, and often you will have other people appearing in your dreams in this room. Remember, they represent aspects of YOUR Self, and not themselves. (See PEOPLE, above)

BEDROOMS symbolize the unconscious mind aspect of your Self, rest, dreams, sometimes sexuality issues in your life.

THE UPSTAIRS symbolizes your spiritual awareness aspect of Self, or the Higher Self that holds all the keys or knowledge to this life's role you are acting out, and always has your higher good looked after, no matter how it might seem otherwise.

I remember Leanna in my dream and i was asking her advice on what i should do about the living room because The entertainment center was blocking my way into the bathroom.
Heres what they say about people.

PEOPLE : Every person that appears in a dream is supposed to represent an aspect of one's Self, and not actually be about that other person at all; rather, it is a quality or characteristic about that person that your dream is focusing on, and how it applies to YOU. Try to think about what aspect(s) this could be. It can be something you admire and wish to emulate and incorporate into your own personality, or it could be a more negative characteristic that you may dislike intensely in your waking life, but which is telling you something about yourself and your beliefs, judgements, & attitude. It could be a call to alter your thinking in some manner, in order to be more open-minded and accepting of this aspect in their and your own personality, because it is hampering your spiritual growth & making life harder for yourself. The other person in your dream is always mirroring something back to you about YOURSELF. Try to discover what that something is, and go from there. Once you get it through your head that the other person's appearance in your dream is NOT about them, but really about YOU, then you will get much more successful interpreting your own dreams. This takes constant reinforcing--I still find myself wanting to think it's about that other person instead of me. The only exception I know of is if the dream is precognitive.

Plants that were in my dream and what it may mean,

Dreaming of growing things can be a potent symbol of our own inner growth and how we feel about that. When positive, this can manifest as dreams of flowers, fruits, beautiful trees or healthy gardens. But when negative, the symbols can be more like dark scary forests, overgrown vines, or dead, wilting plants. (While different flowers, fruits and trees can all have their own unique meanings, I will address that perspective ina future post. This post is more about the concept of “plants” and trees in general.)

Positive plant dreams can be like other celebration dreams such as running or driving freely, swimming underwater or flying. This is often a healthy sign that we have learnt some important lesson - the growth, beauty and bounty of the plant representing new found feelings of confidence and self mastery. If we dream of nurturing a plant or garden, this can be a sign that we are learning to look after our self, to nurture our own inner needs, be they emotional, psychological or spiritual. To dream of picking flowers or harvesting fruit and vegetables can be a very powerful sign of reaping the rewards for hard-work invested, or of a new sense of abundance that might follow a period in life when it seemed we weren’t getting all the support and emotional nourishment we needed. Planting seeds can be the beginning of a new idea, relationship or way of thinking or behaving that we wish to grow into something stronger and more prominent in our self or in our life. Dreams of beautiful gardens can be almost mystical sometimes, and can create a profound sense of peace, belonging and union with nature. This is a sure sign we are onto some pretty good inner work, as we have discovered a place of great beauty within ourselves, and for some this may include the heavenly presence of a departed loved one, or even be a communion with the divine. Such dreams are to be treasured!

Is this what my life is?

Having a husband who can't sleep is frustrating on everybody.
He is always tired never wants to do anything and is just plain LAZY.(Sorry babe if you read this but it's true)
I know i am lazy too but damn. I say I want to go do something and you reply with Allison is sick and you don't want to get your parents sick. Fine. WHEN are they not sick? Then you tell me we are going to have a picnic well that never happend. I want to go to yakima and you tell me "well we can go if you want to use your concert money." Okay well that sounds like you are my god damn dad giving me an ultimatum. I want a date, I want your time. Do you know what this does to a woman emotionally? PUSHES THEM AWAY. Keep on doing this and see where it will get you. Nowhere with me but a very unhappy wife.

When you're a mom.

You pretty much get used to puke.
Although sometimes it just crosses the line.

So I always get the munchies at night, so i just thought i'd grab my laughing cow cheese(omg best thing ever) and have some with crackers and dry salami. Briana comes in and wants some... I give her a piece of salami and she kinda gags and spits it out, and then trys to grab some more. Sorry little chipmunk no more for you! So she grabs a cracker, and I have the cheese out they come in single servings and look like mini cheesecakes, so before i could put my cracker into my cheese she swoops in with her Ritz cracker and takes the whole cheese into her mouth. Right then she start gagging and gagging and holding her mouth over my hand and barfs INTO my hand. Let me tell you I was no longer hungry.

just jotting down my dreams and thoughts.

My dream was weird it felt real, I could feel the sun on me in the hot cream colored toyota camery. I had gotten out of the car and walked into a place that sorta looked like fred meyer maybe a bit older. I went behind the starbucks counter and told vicik i wanted to come back to work. So she quickly went over to the hectic deli and looked for cheri, she said well make sure she thinks about it. I over heard her so quickly in my mind i felt the heat again of the sun and imagined taking the kids swimming or playing outside, thinking maybe if i worked id miss out on thier summer again. Here came the HR lady, saying that my claims were that i was being abused. I kept trying to tell her i got hurt on the job and not by my mom.
another dream i was having ..I was in my old house, it was a mobile home. Danette called and wanted me to go see a movie with her, called monsters. even though the movie was not showing i went in there and got popcorn in a big bucket and put it behind my seat in the car. It was a cartoon and when i got there it was the wrong time for the showing so i went back home and i was trying to explain to my mom that i had to go back at another time, and then I had a boyfrined somehow in the dream i felt like he was protecting me. I kept waking up periodlcly in my sleep and making myself go back to sleep because i missed his presence. As im writing this im still groggy, some things are still fresh in my mind but i can't seem to spit it out into words what was going on. My EMOTIONS- were loved, scared,worried,unable to make a true descion.
I think this dream was revolved around me needing something that is void in my life at the moment, Money, possibly just missing my old job, but was unable to decide because I also wanted to spend time with my kids, possible subconsciencly I felt like I HAD missed out on a year in their life that I will never get back. The man in my dream who made me feel protected im not sure what that means, But I WOKE feeling that i missed him. Maybe- im feeling like me and brandon are not getting enough time, or that i want that "feeling back" The scenery in my old house - I still miss it at times, and wish that i could go visit it close some old doors.
This dream may not sound like much, but alot of emotions were involved and made me wake emotionaly drained.

Flashback

I was oh 29 or 30 weeks with the twins I had weekly ultrasounds, just to make sure that they were both getting nutrition and no Twin to Twin transfusion. Dr.Herman did actually think there may have been some TTT going on so he had me go to Bellvue and get a sonogram there where the people specialized in this.

We get there and the area was nice there were sparkly stars that were on the ceiling and a T.V where you could watch your Ultrasound. The lighting was dim and very comfortable. So me and Brandon are anxiously waiting for the tech to come in.

It was a young male. who was beyond flaming. WHICH is fine with me who cares you can just tell when someone may be gay. He was hurting my belly like no other! Then it got a tad awkward when he had to explain to me that he was going to insert a transvaginal object into my vagina, and shows me what it looks like and proceeds to put a condom on it, YOU can only imagine what is going threw my head let alone Brandons. I just wanted to laugh, really I did. He was tottaly professional but it was so funny all at once. and a bit wierd feeling putting that thing in my vagina and moving it around ....... But i bit my lip looked straight ahead at the t.v. and watched my two babies in my tummy. The Dr. came in told me the results and we left. The twins were just fine. =) That is my flashback after reading kats blog on her ultrasound.

Any slack here?

So my house is messy! DO I make this mess nope....it's full of garbage, dishes, clothes, CRAP! So im like well i'll deep clean my kitchen. There wasen't many dishes so I cleaned cubboards ect.. (and im still working on it) So when i do get to the dishes part, and finish... My husband decides it's time to make lunch, Im thinking to myself really? right this fucking second?! So he grabs a pan that i had just washed .... Ooops there was a noodle that i didn't see.. SO he grabs it looks at me, puts it in the sink fills it with water and dish soap. I go OMG really that was a loose noodle that was rude, "just get out of the kitchen let me make it." I have been slaving away in the kitchen for about an hour and he does that. Yes I barked back but it hurt my feelings. So it just puts me in a pissy mood. Im so sick of the house being a mess and being embarassed by it! You would think when i get up to clean, that maybe he would pitch in too? I know there have been times where he has just cleaned and let me sleep ect.. but mainly becuase MY DR SAID NO BENDING OVER don't clean. Oh don't let me forget that he put in some laundry! that never gets folded or put away. I give up I can't take care of it all. Niether can he. WE BOTH CAN'T . So we need to do it together. But when we do it together he will make a comment "oh it's better when i just do it" Let's start acting like the wonder pets "This is teammmm work"

Can't keep produce around here.

Nope, I can't keep any time of fruit on my counters, I have these Two monkies who love to take my banannas and Clemintine oranges and peel them, take a bite and leave them all over the floor upstairs or downstairs. How do they do this you may ask without me even noticing? Well they are very VERY QUIET.... or I'll be at the gym and Brandon will be paying attention to TV or the computer and think the kids are just playing upstairs. It's money down the drain that I can't afford! I guess I'll have to find a way to stop this.

Right now my house is a disaster! It was spotless like 3 days ago and now I have a sink and counter full of dishes to do. IT'S OVERWHELMING! it's like serioiusly? Can we not just wash as we go? We even have paper plates. It still doesnt matter! I get to a point where im too overwhelmed and don't care anymore... wait, I take that back I DO CARE. I JUST get angry and start cleaning and making loud noises untill I get some help. Or the occasion where I'll be napping and I will wake up to a spotless house to a thoughtfull husband who takes it upon himself to do this, without even waking me. Speaking of sleep, my schedual is messed up beyond belife! I wake up at 7:15 get kids up, Caitlyn gets herself ready, and Brandon gets Bens meds and gets him off to school, so I just turn on Good Morning America and watch that, then Regis and Kelly... then I find myself falling asleep to the view and waking up at NOON! Then around 3 IM TIRED AGAIN and just want to sleep so I'll take a nap untill 5 or 6pm and I'm like OH MY GOD I SLEPT so much! Then we eat dinner and I go to the gym, come home and Im wide eyed and bushy tailed! I'll take some benadryl to help me sleep, sometimes it helps sometimes it doesnt. The only time I get my schedual back on track seems to be on the weekends when the kids don't have school. So hopefully over spring break I can be normal again.

Really?

Dear "Friends" to my husband.....excluding 2 of them to this blog you know who you are.
When i got pregnant with Caitlyn we were young yes, and Brandon was confused.. I see comments saying "I havent heard from Brandon in years" Well let's get this straight it's YOU so called friends who havent tried to contact him, ever seen a phone book? Ever talk to kurt? There are ways you could have gotten ahold of him. True friends don't ditch them when they have children you friends pretty much did this once i was knocked up and said horrible crap about me do you know it takes two to fuck? it's not a disease just because he has kids doesnt mean he can't have a good time. Speaking of which one of you friends live very close by infact probably 3 blocks away. Your on my facebook why not ask for phone numbers if your really that concerned about YOUR FRIEND. I think it's sad that my husband was pretty much abandoned by his friends except for Kurt, and Travis- YOU moved away.... still coulda kept in touch though. Im sure Brandon misses his old friends and wonders what you guys are up to. Now a days, it is harder to contact people because you don't have home phones you have cells. Well all you friends are welcome to come over and BBQ but are you afraid that my kids will bite you at the ankles ? Well you should be because I taught them well.

I could be doing

ALOT instead of blogging.
I could be cleaning, going out side with the twins, go shopping, but no I SIT here and watch "The View" It became interesting when Briana see's Whoopy Goldberg and says "Mickey mouse" (Whoopy is wearing mickey ears they are in Disney Land) So when did one of my twins discover Mickey? I don't remember do they just know who Mickey is? Whats so interesting about this mouse that is overly sized with big black nose and a smile that is as wide as his face? God how did i have four children? really now. I even wished twins upon myself, I remember watching a baby story on TLC and i was barely pregnant and it was one on twins, I told Brandon that ohhh shes so lucky! The next day i had my ultrasound "holy shit theres two" I couldent believe my eyes I was crying, i was shaking, I was scared that I wouldent be able to hold two babies in my belly. What an experiance I was lucky, didn't have any complications besides my fears of always being in labor, and of course major pain from carrying two babies. I would be in chat rooms and listen to woman complain about how much they hurt with one baby, Id roll my eyes with the smiley icons to them. Really you have no idea I mean I do KNOW it is not comfortable in anyway to be pregnant with one. I couldent even imagine carrying more than two, and I WOULDENT WANT TO! Does every woman have this odd desire to have children? I think so. It is just built into us, even when our children are being little shits we still love them and want more! Funny thing is the man is always so much more afraid of pregnancy that a woman. Why? well I think it's because it is built into them that they are to care for not only the child but the mother as well for the rest of thier lives (not like marriage is any worse right?) I just realised I havent had a vacation since I had my honey moon/mariage in Las vegas. Wow . Oh my Husband is asleep I so badly want to jump on him trust me in a non sexual way and wake him up. But then he would just get on the computer and do nothing. I want time with him, GOOD time not just watching tv but getting to know more about eatchother laugh and love like it was new again instead of this daily routine of getting up, and rushing children out the door to school. Is this what it all is? A routine for life. Whats going to happen when all my kids grow up and move out? Will me and Brandon sit here and say "yep" "sooooo what should we do?" Will we even have the money to travel and do things? Or will we be too well off and he will be into his work or will I be that way. Or will we always live this ordinary life being in the lower class depending on medicare? Sometimes that is what i forsee. Will i be a widow and have a husband lost to this horrible disease called diabities? AND then have to watch my son suffer. I want life to be good and fullfilled we only have so long on this earth only so long. It scares me I don't want to be gone from my kids, I don't want them gone from me. I must be feeling extra emotional from being on my period. STUPID curse, i CAN'T even have kids and yet I still have to deal with the bitch aunt flow.
Pledge Multi-surface here i come.

I don't want to be

Like my mother.
And at times i find myself doing things she used to do, I wont go into detail because they are long and to hard to describe.
For the minor things she did i find myself doing.
Like Being tired all the time and not wanting to go and do things with the kids, I remember my mom laying in bed all day watching tv and i was so bored. I just wanted her to get up and do something with me. "Maybe tommarow I'm really tired" I can still remember sitting on the recliner, and being able to see her just laying in bed. Finnaly when i got my licence i was allowed to then go do the grocery shopping that made me excited to get out of the house. She would do the stupidest things to me like let me spend the night at my friends house then call at 6 in the morning crying saying she wants me home and comes and picks me up. Come on let me PLAY some more to this day my friend still remembers those days as well. So i just want to get more involved with the kids. I used to tell myself "Jamie you will play with your kids when you grow up, play house and Barbies with them" It was like a fantasy that at a young age wanted to fullfill. Im breaking my promises to myself, and to my kids.

I wonder if Nadya Suleman has "Only child syndrom" I always wanted a big family because I felt it would be best for them not to be alone, so when one got in trouble the other could stick up for them. Or have someone to play with.
I took Caitlyn with me to the store she was just thrilled to go, and help me put things in produce bags as well as putting items in the cart. At times I saw myself getting frustrated with her like "Just let me get this done" Then I'd snap out of it and be like she is having fun and hand her yogurts to put in the cart. My mom was very protective of me always afraid someone would steal me. Of course I thought NO One would be able to do that to ME. Now that I'm a mom I can see where she came from. I do think she was a little bit too over protective and that is ONE reason why I would rebel. There were times we would fight I GUESS i smart mouthed her and she would come chasing me around the coffee table and then when she got ahold of me she would beat the shit out of me either with her hands of a belt. I remember I couldent go swiming one time because I had huge BELT welts. I'm not sure what I did wrong. To this day she is a very violent person, if she is mad at someone she will say "im gonna beat the shit out of them god damn that cunt" I then asked her "Why do you think it's okay to go about things by hitting people?" She said "Thats the way I was raised" One thing i do know about myself is that I am a good mom I don't BEAT my kids, rarley even spank it does no good just makes them upset more. I suppose the way I am like my mom right now is not wanting to do things I just never want to be like her I love her but there was only so much I could take.

They say not to tell anybody

So it's true i have found don't tell anyone your on a "diet" Most will discourage you subconscienly saying "Oh you look fine the way you are you don't need to loose anything." Then some may even take it to the point of making you think you have some eating disorder or obsessed with dieting. Firstly Im not "Dieting" Im changing my lifestyle and they way I eat and move my body. I think it's very important for everyone to exercise weather they are skinny or overweight. "The risks outweigh the benifits" ha. So what am I personnaly working on? Well THE number one killer for women is heart disease so cardiovascular work out is a must for a woman, I do 30 min of that a day. I also love to do free weights it's a good stress reliever and it makes you feel good. Working out is better than any anti-depressant a Dr. could perscribe, and It's been a proven FACT.
I mainly complain to my Husband about my weight, I suppose it's not that IM FAT I just can't fit into my jeans and i would love to be able to again. Two and half years later post partum of having twins im much larger than i was when i concieved them. I was 120lbs lowest i ever was 117 pounds. I remember posting a picture and I got comments like omg you look sickly, personally IT was the way the picture was taken If youve seen my wedding photos there I was 117 pounds and did not look sickly in anyway. I felt so confident to be able to go into ANY store and buy clothes that fit, it was not a depressing thing anymore it was like a weight was lifted off my chest. Infact i remember before i had started working out (this was like 4 years ago) I was shopping with brandons mom, and we were at Macy's and I saw a bikini i really liked, and I said "ILL NEVER be in one of those again" My husbands mom reassured me I would be, and trust me I didn't believe her i thought she was just being "nice". Well she was telling the truth about 3 months later I had lost over 30 pounds just by exersicing and watching what i ate . Now that im back in that "Ill never wear a bikini again" My husband reasurres me I'll LOOSE it and be fit again. To anyone who reads this I want you to know; don't let people discourage you in anything that YOU want to do in your life no matter what it is, It could be schooling, work, fitness, Kids anything. I refuse to just be a "mom to four kids" I know i more than that. This lady has skills.

Whether you read this or not.

I am still having a hard time dealing with the fact that my son has Diabities it's hard for me to grasp that he has to live with this disease for the rest of his life. I hope someday there will be a cure, but for now we have to deal with watching what we eat, his blood sugar levels and really watching them when he is sick. I honestly don't know what i would do if anything happend to my children it's hard for me to even think about. However there is this reality called LIFE and there is a beginning and an end and I hate to think of the end to anything. This affects the way i feel about having more children although i can't at this moment because my tubes are tied, IM afraid that something horrid will happen to my children. You really don't know what love is untill you have your own children atleast for the majority of us. I can't even bare to think about that poor little caylee anthony how her precious life was brutely taken from her alledgley by her mother (innocent untill proven guilty) BS :| Everytime i see Casey on t.v. I want to punch her so hard beat her face in with such anger of what she did. I look at my twins and think how could anyone hurt such a little innocent baby? it's so hard to imagine, I don't want to think about it.

Today i worked out it felt so good to do my 30 min of cardio and then some weights it's really good for the body as of now im 153 pounds I started at 160 3 weeks ago. My goal is atleast 130:) i want to be extreamly tone! I have a swimsuit picked out and everything it gives me hope! I know i can do it again I USUALLY get what i want, yes im that kind of woman.. I get what I want.

The twins are going to be 3 in July I can't believe how fast time flys I remember them in my tummy and being HUGE and so much in pain it was worth every second of it. Im so blessed to have such a wonderfull family god i love my children with all my heart and sould they are me they are my husband , together they make US.